Why I Am This Way // This is Progress

Honestly, even the title of this is starting off on the wrong foot. I don't know exactly what makes me think this way. But anything I associate with myself, nearly every single thing that I associate with myself, I automatically label as wrong. Or bad. The thought patterns are so well worn that it has become first nature. It is my norm, my go-to. I am actively trying to reverse this pattern of thinking, but I am finding this to be an incredibly difficult task, so difficult that I feel like I haven't made any progress whatsoever. 

But writing this down is progress. As difficult as this weekend has been, I would consider the block of time that has passed over the last two days as progress. Sometimes progress is a slow back and forth. It's a "I feel fine one minute and terrible the next." Sometimes it's just a recognition of your humanity and a little bit of grace and patience with your own self. 

Yesterday, I found myself fixating on a thought. A negative thought that brought a rush of bad feelings with it. I kept replaying this thought in my head over and over and over again. And then I would immediately invalidate the bad feelings that came with it, immediately berate myself for the way I was thinking and feeling, immediately compare myself to any other person I could who was more graceful, more diplomatic, more calm, more not like me. This would trigger my typical panic attack of: you are not good enough, you are not worthy of love and friendship, you are a drain and a burden on everyone who knows you. And this would play out again and again and again.  

I started the day with a book, Notes from Your Therapist by Allyson Dinneen. I read the book in one sitting and clung to certain words from it. One in particular that resonated strongly with the moment I find myself in was: "there are some things I will never be over." For some reason, this comforted me. Because the thought I had yesterday that kept playing on repeat was from a really old wound. One that I want to recover from and heal from and move on from... and so when I'm having that thought, the reason I berate myself sometimes is that I think I should be "over" it. After all this time, I should be recovered and healed. But honestly, who says there's a statute of limitations on pain? Who says there's an allotted amount of time that you can be impacted and then it should be over?

For me, it's human connection that jerks me back from the brink. When I realize that I am not the only one who feels a certain way, when I realize that I am not the only one who is awkward and trying to heal...that's when I feel better. Some might call this being outwardly defined. Some might say that I should find my worth and value from within. And I would agree that loving myself is the most important part of my journey. It's the one goal that I work on every single day and fail at every single day but keep going with because I know it's value and worth. But also, self-love is about having the grace with myself to say: this is not just you. And when someone says something or writes something that reminds me of that, that helps me. It is a coping mechanism, and I need to remember that when I just want to hide and retreat and pull away from people because I am so desperately afraid they are going to pull away from me first. I must remember that I need some kind of connection to help me remember that I am not innately bad or wrong. 

About halfway through the day yesterday, I found that I could stop the thought that I was fixating on from happening part of the time. When I felt its tendrils begin to reach at the edges of my consciousness, I could stop it by quickly replacing it with another thought or distraction. This felt like power. Anxiety sometimes feels so completely uncontrollable. It strips away everything about who you are and leaves you as vulnerable and bare as possible. It grabs hold of you so quickly that it literally leaves you breathless. The powerlessness that often comes with anxiety is honestly one of the scariest things about it, because you can't predict its timing, you can't plan for its attack. It's just suddenly there, and you are at its mercy. 

And so when I was able to stop myself from that ugly thought yesterday, I felt some brief moments of power. And this is progress. 

I woke up this morning and read another book. Untamed by Glennon Doyle. This one I didn't finish in one sitting (it's a bit longer), but I let myself be present with the words, and I let myself feel how it was impacting me. Through reading, I felt connection. I felt again that impactful: this is not just you. 

When Jeremy woke up this morning, I told him about yesterday's thought. I told him that it was still trying to infiltrate my day today. I told him about the shame it brought and the fact that I thought I should be over it. I cried and told him everything. I felt connection again and that helped. 

And this is progress. Identifying what helps in the midst of it all, embracing what helps in the midst of it all. This is progress. Writing all of this down. This is progress. 

Today, I am going to continue to try to read, write, and replace thoughts (even if it has to be through distraction). I am going to try to be okay with how I cope and who I am. But I am also going to be okay when the thought inevitably comes back or another negative thought replaces it. Because there's power to be had there, too. 

(And for good measure, I'm going to add to my title.) 

 

Two Steps Forward and Two Steps Back

I've had Paula Abdul stuck in my head ever since this coronavirus stuff really started ramping up.

Until a few weeks ago, 2020 had been an incredible year for me and my mental health. Counseling was making a big difference. I was beginning to practice true self-care. I was setting healthy boundaries at work. I was in a decent head space. Though anxiety and depression were still part of my daily life, I felt, for the first time in a long time, that I had taken back control. Yes, there were still bad days, but the good had begun to outweigh the bad.

And now this. Hence the feeling of two steps forward and two steps back.

I don't think I'm alone in this thought pattern. I've heard friends say the same thing. I've seen memes saying the same thing. And it got me to thinking about something I've shared before but never truly allowed myself to believe:

Growth isn't linear. Some days are good. Some are bad. Sometimes your brain stops telling you lies. Sometimes it tells you more lies than ever before. Sometimes you are strong, and sometimes you feel weak. But bad days do not wipe out progress. And growth is growth is growth.

The last week I feel that I have "relapsed" to that worst version of myself. The scared, distrusting, paranoid, anxious, self-deprecating version of myself that visits on the bad days. The one that tells me I'm not good enough and that no one loves me. The one that seeks validation desperately. The one that searches in a panicked-state for love from outside herself because she can't find it within.

I'm trying to have grace with this version of myself. I'm trying to understand why she is here today and that it's okay to be in this space for now. This is temporary. Both our current mental states and what the world is going through. Just because we feel stuck right now doesn't mean we are stuck forever.

To combat the overwhelming anxiety, I am trying to talk to my friends and my family. I'm trying to tell them what I need. But even that is hard. The talking and saying aloud what I need makes me feel desperate and annoying. It makes me feel like I'm bothering them. It makes me feel like a burden. But I keep reminding myself that I am loved. That I am not a burden. That we all need a little more right now.

The thing about me is that I give love without reservation. I try to support and reassure and anticipate the needs of those I love. But I don't ask for that in return. In fact, I push it away with both hands, because I feel like I don't deserve it.

We all deserve it though. No matter if we feel like we're growing or standing still. No matter if we have had a bad day or are the absolute best versions of ourselves. We deserve love. I deserve love, and even when I feel like the things that are happening around me are out of control and scary, I can have grace with myself and understand that I am doing my best and that is enough. 

Social Distancing, Introversion, and Anxiety

Hi, guys.

Wow. So we didn't expect this, right? None of us anticipated what the world is going through right now. And each day we wake up to an even newer version of our new world. To say things are a little bit crazy right now would be an understatement. 

Currently, I have the privilege of working from home. I realize that this is a privilege, and I count my blessings daily that I have a job that can be done (for the most part) remotely. I expected to like working from home, too. Although, I've worked from home before and hated it. Honestly, I am now fully realizing that I need human connection, which is surprising to me...but shouldn't be. 

I know from lots of research and reading that introversion is more about energy and less about being "shy" or "distant" or "quiet." You can be a social introvert, and I guess that's what I am. But I also think that a lot of my needing human connection comes from my anxiety. 

When I'm away from people, my brain begins to tell me a series of lies: they must hate you, they're probably talking about you, they are glad you aren't around. Of course, this is all related to a lot of things that have happened in my past around friendship, things that I continue to work on my counselor with. And my brain tells me these lies even when people are around to be clear, but when I'm isolated, the voices get louder. 

Thus, working from home isn't all that great for me or my brain, even though I'd like to reiterate how grateful I am for the opportunity. 

The fact is that none of what is going on is great. During times like these, times of challenge and struggle, we see and are both the worst and the best of ourselves. Right now, I feel like we're standing on a line between today and tomorrow, between what the world is like right now and what it's going to be like, and none of us want to cross it. Especially alone. And right now, we all feel alone. 

That loneliness and time to reflect (and overthink!) leads to a lot of social anxiety, as I mentioned above...but what about the general anxiety that is flooding us all right now?

What happens next? is a question on everyone's minds, and I'm not sure any of us have the answer. For those of us who have control issues, what is there to control right now when those answers allude us? We can't control the government or the virus. We can't control our places of employment or the healthcare system. 

But we can control how we prepare. How much food we buy, where we go, how we interact with others. We can control how we get through our days. Where do we sit to work (living room or office). When do we take our lunch break. What do we wear. 

We can control how much we reach out to those we love. For connection. For reassurance. For a break from all that is uncontrollable and so uncomfortable. 

For me, that human connection has been so necessary over the last few days, so I know it will be of paramount importance moving forward. Because this is just the first few days. We don't know how long this will be our new normal, and we don't know what the world is going to look like when we come out on the other side of this. But focusing on what we don't know only amplifies our already anxious minds. So here is what we do know (and coincidentally, they all start with C):

• Connection and love is critical right now. Even for us introverts. Connect with someone every day. Share your love with them, speak it to them so that they feel it across the distance.
• Communication is key. Reach out when you're feeling lonely, anxious, or overwhelmed. Speak your truth and your feelings. This is now more important than ever. Don't stop processing just because you aren't physically around those you normally process with. 
• Control what you can. Work outside for an afternoon. Take a shower even if you're not leaving the house. Make your bed. Take your control where you can get it, even if it is a "tiny" thing.
• Continue to make the choices that make you happy and are still options. If binge-watching Love is Blind helps you disconnect from a scary reality, then do it! Do the thing. Don't forget about self-care during this time. Take a bubble bath. Read an inspiring book or article. Look at pictures of cats and dogs online. 
• Cuddle your fur-babies and real babies. Kids and animals are the real MVPs here. Let them comfort you with their soft fur and silly antics. Reassure them and you'll feel more reassured yourself. 

Basically, keep being the incredible human that you are. Don't forget that you are doing your best. Breathe through the anxiety and lean on those you love. 

We'll get through this together. Much love, stay well!

Control Freak

When I was younger, I always tried to be prepared for anything life might throw my way. I liked to at least feel like I had some kind of control over the things that happened throughout the day. I would stalk my former supervisors’ calendars trying to predict events that I might have to speak at or things I needed to be ready for. I would set my own daily schedule in neat blocks of time, so I would know what I would be doing and when I would be doing it.

You might have called me obsessive. Or a control freak. Definitely a worrier.

I’m older now, and life hasn’t been this way for me for quite some time. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still an obsessive control freak who worries a lot. But life is no longer predictable. It’s no longer controllable. Throughout my day, I have constant distractions and new problems to tackle, almost to the extent that, if a day goes by uneventfully now, I almost feel bored. But hopefully the universe doesn’t hear me say that.

What I’ve learned as I’ve grown into a more mature and adaptable woman is that life isn’t predictable. You can’t be prepared for all the things. As much as you’d like to be.

Right now, my life is about as chaotic and unpredictable as it’s been in awhile. I don’t know what the next day holds, and there are a lot of things that are up in the air and worrisome. I feel out of control and a bit discombobulated. But in the midst of the chaos, I have learned to look for my calm.

Calm for me is coming home from a great event at work and cleaning house, organizing the mess that comes from living.

Calm for me is working on loving myself more and minimizing my self-deprecating tendencies. Yesterday, I told my boss, “everything that is bad and stressful today is happening because of me.” I said those words. About myself. This morning I almost apologized to my husband for crying over a couple of stressful health situations going on with my family and my friend.

Both of these trigger reactions are one unhealthy ways I have been coping with stress. And today, I made a conscious effort to limit this behavior.

Instead of apologizing to my husband, I kept crying until I felt better. And first thing this morning, I texted my boss and told him that I shouldn’t have ever blamed myself for stressful things in the office, and, just to be a little more self-loving, I bragged on myself to him.

Calm for me is getting better even when I feel at my worse. And every day, despite what I sometimes tell myself, I am getting better.

Life is messy right now. And the next few months are likely to be messy as well. But instead of trying to control the mess, I’m going to live the principles I’ve read in the book my dear friend Anna and I recently read together, No Mud No Lotus. The theme of this little but powerful book is that without suffering and adversity there would be no happiness and light. In the midst of the struggle is often where we find the beauty.

And today, I am going to embrace both the beauty and the chaos. 

Fuel

On Friday of last week, a group of my friends and I crammed into our tiny SUV and went to early vote. It's the first time I've ever early voted. It's the first time I've ever gone with a group to vote. The feeling was electric.


We didn't discuss politics in our car ride there or back. We didn't argue or debate. We joked around, laughed. We respected each other and everyone at the polls. For a minute, just a few moments in time, we were all connected by a common purpose.


These days we seem to forget that we are ever connected. We fight over every little thing. We spit and claw. We lash out. We hate.


We're living in a time where our leaders want us to be divided. Divided, we're easier to handle. Divided, we're easier to control. It's a cliché for a reason: united we stand; divided we fall. My call to action for you? Don't let that happen.


Disagree with people. Know that we're all different and so we're all going to have different perspectives and opinions. And it's okay that we disagree with those perspectives and opinions; it's okay to have discourse and discussion and conflict. What's not okay? Hate. Ever. In any way. I don't necessarily prescribe to any certain set of religious or spiritual beliefs, but I'm pretty sure almost all faiths encourage kindness and love over hate...and if they don't, maybe find a new faith.


But gosh, lately, there seems to be a lot of hate. It comes in the form of name-calling, belief- and opinion-shaming, passive aggressive statements made under our breaths and just within earshot, ugly memes and jokes on social media. It honestly reminds me a lot of middle school. And who liked middle school? Aren't we better than middle school, y'all?


I get it. There are a lot of polarizing issues. There are a lot of people challenging beliefs and ways of life on both sides. This isn't easy stuff. But at the end of the day, it's not going to do any of us any good to hate on each other. At some point, and I hope this happens soon, we need to be able to come together, despite our differences, and hear each other. Hear both sides, hear all sides, and then work together on compromises that can benefit the whole and the future.


We can't hand the world over worse than we found it. Today, we're poised at a crossroads where we can make change for the better, where we can make the world better. Let's try to do that, through love and respect, kindness and listening. Because really, what is the alternative?

Shiny Happy Voters Holding Hands!