Two Steps Forward and Two Steps Back

I've had Paula Abdul stuck in my head ever since this coronavirus stuff really started ramping up.

Until a few weeks ago, 2020 had been an incredible year for me and my mental health. Counseling was making a big difference. I was beginning to practice true self-care. I was setting healthy boundaries at work. I was in a decent head space. Though anxiety and depression were still part of my daily life, I felt, for the first time in a long time, that I had taken back control. Yes, there were still bad days, but the good had begun to outweigh the bad.

And now this. Hence the feeling of two steps forward and two steps back.

I don't think I'm alone in this thought pattern. I've heard friends say the same thing. I've seen memes saying the same thing. And it got me to thinking about something I've shared before but never truly allowed myself to believe:

Growth isn't linear. Some days are good. Some are bad. Sometimes your brain stops telling you lies. Sometimes it tells you more lies than ever before. Sometimes you are strong, and sometimes you feel weak. But bad days do not wipe out progress. And growth is growth is growth.

The last week I feel that I have "relapsed" to that worst version of myself. The scared, distrusting, paranoid, anxious, self-deprecating version of myself that visits on the bad days. The one that tells me I'm not good enough and that no one loves me. The one that seeks validation desperately. The one that searches in a panicked-state for love from outside herself because she can't find it within.

I'm trying to have grace with this version of myself. I'm trying to understand why she is here today and that it's okay to be in this space for now. This is temporary. Both our current mental states and what the world is going through. Just because we feel stuck right now doesn't mean we are stuck forever.

To combat the overwhelming anxiety, I am trying to talk to my friends and my family. I'm trying to tell them what I need. But even that is hard. The talking and saying aloud what I need makes me feel desperate and annoying. It makes me feel like I'm bothering them. It makes me feel like a burden. But I keep reminding myself that I am loved. That I am not a burden. That we all need a little more right now.

The thing about me is that I give love without reservation. I try to support and reassure and anticipate the needs of those I love. But I don't ask for that in return. In fact, I push it away with both hands, because I feel like I don't deserve it.

We all deserve it though. No matter if we feel like we're growing or standing still. No matter if we have had a bad day or are the absolute best versions of ourselves. We deserve love. I deserve love, and even when I feel like the things that are happening around me are out of control and scary, I can have grace with myself and understand that I am doing my best and that is enough. 

Social Distancing, Introversion, and Anxiety

Hi, guys.

Wow. So we didn't expect this, right? None of us anticipated what the world is going through right now. And each day we wake up to an even newer version of our new world. To say things are a little bit crazy right now would be an understatement. 

Currently, I have the privilege of working from home. I realize that this is a privilege, and I count my blessings daily that I have a job that can be done (for the most part) remotely. I expected to like working from home, too. Although, I've worked from home before and hated it. Honestly, I am now fully realizing that I need human connection, which is surprising to me...but shouldn't be. 

I know from lots of research and reading that introversion is more about energy and less about being "shy" or "distant" or "quiet." You can be a social introvert, and I guess that's what I am. But I also think that a lot of my needing human connection comes from my anxiety. 

When I'm away from people, my brain begins to tell me a series of lies: they must hate you, they're probably talking about you, they are glad you aren't around. Of course, this is all related to a lot of things that have happened in my past around friendship, things that I continue to work on my counselor with. And my brain tells me these lies even when people are around to be clear, but when I'm isolated, the voices get louder. 

Thus, working from home isn't all that great for me or my brain, even though I'd like to reiterate how grateful I am for the opportunity. 

The fact is that none of what is going on is great. During times like these, times of challenge and struggle, we see and are both the worst and the best of ourselves. Right now, I feel like we're standing on a line between today and tomorrow, between what the world is like right now and what it's going to be like, and none of us want to cross it. Especially alone. And right now, we all feel alone. 

That loneliness and time to reflect (and overthink!) leads to a lot of social anxiety, as I mentioned above...but what about the general anxiety that is flooding us all right now?

What happens next? is a question on everyone's minds, and I'm not sure any of us have the answer. For those of us who have control issues, what is there to control right now when those answers allude us? We can't control the government or the virus. We can't control our places of employment or the healthcare system. 

But we can control how we prepare. How much food we buy, where we go, how we interact with others. We can control how we get through our days. Where do we sit to work (living room or office). When do we take our lunch break. What do we wear. 

We can control how much we reach out to those we love. For connection. For reassurance. For a break from all that is uncontrollable and so uncomfortable. 

For me, that human connection has been so necessary over the last few days, so I know it will be of paramount importance moving forward. Because this is just the first few days. We don't know how long this will be our new normal, and we don't know what the world is going to look like when we come out on the other side of this. But focusing on what we don't know only amplifies our already anxious minds. So here is what we do know (and coincidentally, they all start with C):

• Connection and love is critical right now. Even for us introverts. Connect with someone every day. Share your love with them, speak it to them so that they feel it across the distance.
• Communication is key. Reach out when you're feeling lonely, anxious, or overwhelmed. Speak your truth and your feelings. This is now more important than ever. Don't stop processing just because you aren't physically around those you normally process with. 
• Control what you can. Work outside for an afternoon. Take a shower even if you're not leaving the house. Make your bed. Take your control where you can get it, even if it is a "tiny" thing.
• Continue to make the choices that make you happy and are still options. If binge-watching Love is Blind helps you disconnect from a scary reality, then do it! Do the thing. Don't forget about self-care during this time. Take a bubble bath. Read an inspiring book or article. Look at pictures of cats and dogs online. 
• Cuddle your fur-babies and real babies. Kids and animals are the real MVPs here. Let them comfort you with their soft fur and silly antics. Reassure them and you'll feel more reassured yourself. 

Basically, keep being the incredible human that you are. Don't forget that you are doing your best. Breathe through the anxiety and lean on those you love. 

We'll get through this together. Much love, stay well!