Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Word Vomit, aka the Curse of the Overshare

As long as I'm on a roll pointing out all my neuroses (read: Paper-Thin Heart), I'm going to introduce you to a new one today. This will probably come as no surprise to y'all now that I've outed myself for having a paper-thin heart, but I'm going to tell you anyway because...well, I tell everyone everything. In fact, that's what I want to tell you. You see I have this thing that I do. This thing where I tell people things that they don't want or need to know. These people may include co-workers, friends, even complete strangers. I'm not biased. I share my Word Vomit with whoever's willing to stand still long enough to listen.

You're welcome.

The problem is (and honestly, there's not really a problem because I'm fabulous and everything that comes out of my mouth is golden #sarcasm) that when you tell people everything you give people a buttload of ammunition to use against you. And no doubt, they will use it against you. At some point, your words will come back to haunt you. Take it from me. It never fails.

Today, I'm going to share with you some of the things that I'm going to start attempting to filter from the Word Vomit Machine that is my mouth. Please feel free to learn from my mistakes and use my humiliation, pain, and suffering to benefit yourself:

Top Five Things NOT to Share, You Oversharer You

1) Opinions of Other People - No matter how much you may know someone or trust that you can share your opinions with them, chances are that you can't. As soon as so-and-so knows that you don't like such-and-such, then so-and-so's going to tell such-and-such, and then you're left looking like a jerk. Avoid looking like a jerk. Shut your mouth.

2) Bad Things You've Done - I have the biggest guilty conscience in the entire world. I could never get away with any kind of crime. I automatically tell everyone every mistake I make. This is particularly true at work. My boss has to get sick of me coming into her office and confessing even when I make the tiniest mistake. This undermines her confidence in me and my own confidence in myself. Everyone makes mistakes. Don't advertise your's to the world.

3) Weaknesses - When I first started working at my current job, I met two pranksters who were constantly torturing my coworker with innocent practical jokes. It wasn't long that she went on maternity leave, and I was left as their primary target. After a failed attempt to try to scare me with a rubber rat, I told them my true fear was of spiders. Guess what happened next?

4) Pregnancy News - Now on this one, you may be thinking, "What do you mean, Katie? Pregnancy news is like the greatest news ever and should be shared with the entire world." And I agree completely. When you're actually pregnant. But your stomach hurting a little or you peeing more than normal doesn't necessarily equal pregnancy. Don't cry wolf so many times that no one actually believes you when you do get pregnant. And no, this isn't an announcement.

5) Guilty Pleasures - Liking Johnny Depp or pirates or Jersey Shore or Teen Mom may not be news you want to share with everyone in your life 'lest you get yourself a reputation. And no one likes reputations. Spare yourself some grief, keep your closet Hoarders obsession in the closet with all of the other things you're hoarding.

And there you have it. Some practical Word Vomit advice from a professional oversharer. There's plenty of more things you shouldn't tell everyone about (TMI, anyone?), but we'll start with baby steps and save those for another day. When all else fails, just remember Mr. T's priceless advice:


Are you an oversharer? Do you find yourself afflicted with word vomit?

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