Oh, Crap. What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

In the three and a half years since I got married, I have learned many useful things. Things that, had I never met and married my husband, I may have never been privy to. I'm pretty sure I consider these things a blessing. Yes, I'm almost entirely sure that they are a blessing. I feel certain of it. Maybe.

I'll share some of them with you, so you can see just how blessed I truly am.

Things I Learned from My Husband

1) There is no bad time or place to trim your toe nails. Middle of the kitchen at 9:00am while I'm cooking breakfast? Why the heck not?

2) Snoring isn't so bad. So long as you fall asleep at least 3 hours before the snorer and do not wake up at any point during the night. If waking up does occur, then violence may follow. Note: Repeated elbow stabs into the space between the third and fourth rib seems to do the trick.

3) When wearing shorts, it's necessary to wear socks pulled all the way up to your knees. This is considered a "good look."

4) Speaking of fashion, Hawaiian shirts are the highest form of couture.

5) "How It's Made" is easily the most boring television show on the face of the planet. The narrator's voice makes me want to stab myself in the eye.

6) "Doctor Who," however, is not nearly as bad as it may sound after husband explains the concept of the show to you. Note: this is true for lots of things that he tries to explain the concept of. He is not known for giving the "abridged" version of ANY story. Try to minimize the glazed look of your expression when he begins one of his "summaries."

7) Husbands may do gross things from time to time. This is no revelation, as they are men, and men are disgusting. However, men are also good for taking care of gross things that you may otherwise avoid. Such as, but not limited to: cleaning up cat puke, cleaning up litter box, taking out trash, etc.

8) Cuddling is the best thing in the entire world, and some men actually do like to cuddle or are good at pretending they like to in order to make you happy. This is true for LOTS of things.

9) Never suggest to a man that he carries so much crap around that you think he should carry a purse. This seems to be insulting to them and may cause a nasty argument.

10) Being a back seat driver is not good for the marriage. Try to stop minimize barking out orders while he's driving.

I'm sure I could go on all night listing out the many things I've learned from my wise husband, but I'll round it out at ten so that I don't bore you all to tears. The point of this drawn out introduction is that I suspect I am on the cusp of learning yet another gem of information from Jeremy, as we begin what he refers to as: The Great Exchange (I think the name sounds nasty, but I'm choosing my battles here and leaving it alone).

The Great Exchange, aka What Happens When Spouses Trade Books, is a book exchange of sorts between myself and my husband. The concept was born the other night while we were watching Jeopardy. This is a nightly ritual in which we huddle in front of the television and compete against each other on who can get the most correct answers. I suspect he doesn't realize we're competing, because I hardly ever win or even come close to winning, so I don't really mention that I consider it a competition lest he should get a big head. And he already has a ginormous head which we can't find a hat for, which is an entirely different story altogether. But I digress.

While participating in a particularly heated tournament of armchair Jeopardy, I came up with what I thought at the time was a bright idea. I stupidly suggested to my braniac husband that he read one of my favorite novels: The Sun Also Rises by Earnest Hemingway. Now, to provide a little context, the battle to get Jeremy to read something I recommend has been a long and tiring one. We have completely different tastes in literature. He loves fantasy and science fiction, and I...well, I don't. I prefer classic and contemporary American literature (Hemingway, Steinback, Poe, McCarthy, etc.). He has tried on more than one occasion to lure me over to the dark side, but I have held fast. About most things I'm incredibly open-minded, but I just can't read fantasy literature. The Lord of the Rings is as far as I'll ever go. Until now.

After suggesting for the umpteenth time that Jeremy try The Sun Also Rises, I threw in a little incentive. "I'll read one of your books if you read one of mine!" I said enthusiastically, not quite understanding what my little proposal would cost me. He jumped right on board and immediately began plotting what he would have me read. His decision?

The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfus. Which is exactly 722 pages long. Which has a main character whose name is Kvothe.

From this endeavor that we have undertaken, I may very well learn that fantasy literature is something that I can enjoy. He may learn that Hemingway is the Great American Writer. He will finish The Sun Also Rises, which is exactly 251 pages, in about an hour. I'll get back to y'all in 3 months when I'm finally able to finish The Name of the Wind.

Want to hear Jeremy's side of things? Visit Unexcused Absence. Don't worry. I'm actually the long-winded one this time.







PS ~ Captchouli will return next week with the triumphant Round Six winner! In the meantime, if you haven't submitted your entry yet, it's still not too late. This week's word: Fulunk!