They don't announce their presence right away, but, by the time you're fully settled into your morning, right around the time you're waking up and trying to be a fully functioning adult human, they pounce.
This morning was such a morning, and lucky for me, the demons stuck around all day.
Being a big feeler of big feelings, sometimes my greatest fear is losing people. The demons know that, and they prey on it.
When I was a young girl, playing on the playground, under the nurturing branches of the friendship oak, I lost a person.
Her name was Naomi, and she was my "best friend." Despite the happenings of that day, Naomi remained my "best friend" for a few years after that, but on that particular day, she was feeling a little mean. On that day, she announced, "I'm no longer your best friend; I'm Heather's best friend." And off she went to play with Heather, leaving me a big puddle of emotional trauma and scabbed knees.
There are moments in life that define you, and looking back, I guess that was one of my moments. When asked by those that love me, "why do you lack any self-confidence or self-worth," I don't really have a good answer. I grew up in the loving arms of loving parents. I was reminded on a daily basis how great I was. But for some reason, I always focused on those moments like the one on the playground. In spite of all the love and care, I couldn't seem to get past the self-doubt.
When I lost Naomi that day, I didn't really lose her completely. As I said, we remained friends for a few years after that, although I eventually moved away, thus ending our grade school relationship. No, instead of losing Naomi completely, I think I lost a little bit of my trust in people. And with that loss of trust, friendship became a bit of a pattern for me.
Wish for friends. Get friends. Don't fully trust friends. Let anxiety dictate friendship. Lose friends.
As a 35 year-old adult, I now know what true friendship is.
There are no best friends. Love and friendship can't be boiled down to labels. My friends today know me for who I am, warts and all, anxiety and all, self-doubt and all. And yet, they still choose to love me. They choose to be there on days like today, when the demons are bad.
And, today, I woke up with demons. And they're still here. They remind me of the child version of me and tell me that everyone will eventually get fed up with me; they tell me that everyone will eventually abandon me. They dig in with their claws and rip apart what little trust I have in others.
With the help of my friends and family and love, they will subside, these demons. They will gradually hide away, lulling me into a false sense of confidence and security, waiting in the shadows for that next moment of weakness, waiting to kick me while I'm down. On that day, like today, they will feast upon the insecurities of a woman who never really grew up from the child who could never really see how incredible she was and is.
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| The truth of me: zit, mascara smudged from tears, lips hopelessly chapped. |
