Showing posts with label a new leaf. Show all posts
Showing posts with label a new leaf. Show all posts

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Disconnect

Appropriately, the lead singer led the way. Surrounded by security and eager fans, he weaved through the stadium, guiding his rag-tag band mates to the center of the floor. Lighting guys struggled to readjust spotlights for the impromptu crowd session, and the entire stadium came alive with a new kind of excitement and energy. Hundreds of fans rushed to pull out cell phones, desperate to catch a shot of the band up close.

Jeremy and I watched from our seats, too far away to really see the band well but close enough to feel the energy. After a few moments of getting set up, the first strains of an acoustic guitar quieted the crowd. The piano and cello joined in, building up tempo, and then suddenly, they all stopped.

“I’m gonna ask that you put away your cell phones.” The lead singer’s surprising request had the crowd breaking into giggles. He glanced around the auditorium and nodded. “No, seriously, just for this one song. Put away your phones and be present with us in this moment.”

Most of us did as he asked and that song turned out to be one of the best of the night. We were there with him in that moment, no picture-taking, no texting, no distractions. We were engaged.

Since that night a couple of weeks ago, I’ve thought about the lead singer’s words, about the beauty and intimacy of that moment, about the meaning of disconnecting from technology and connecting with the world around you.

These days so much of society is dictated by technology. So much of our lives are spent staring at television screens, computer screens, tablet screens, phone screens. If we were to add it all up, the minutes, hours, the days and weeks would shock us I’m sure. When I was trying to track my own phone usage the other day, I could barely keep up with the number of times I looked down at that tiny black box.

Jeremy and I used to watch other couple’s in restaurants, sitting right across the table from each other and staring down at their phones. We’d laugh that if we ever became that obsessed with our phones that we would need to just throw them away. Well, my friends, that day has come. Over the weekend, I had to fight the urge to check my phone during a lunch date with my husband and that realization was sickening.

I thought back to the concert a couple of weeks ago, to those few moments when I was completely engaged with the world around me, and I felt ashamed.

We held out for the longest time in getting smart phones; neither of us liked talking on the phone much. We didn’t care for texting, and we were fine with surfing the internet from the anchor of our laptop or desktop computer. But finally, when the rest of the world seemed to have left us behind, we buckled and purchased our first smart phones.

We’ve only had them since January, but in those six months, our lives and habits have changed drastically. Now, there’s never a moment of just sitting and waiting, just thinking and enjoying the world. Now, those moments are filled with facebooking and email-checking, with game-playing and googling. In some ways, the information and knowledge at our fingertips is wonderful; in some ways, I even feel like I’ve started learning more from the world around me because of this new reference tool that I carry around in my pocket.

But in much more distinct and impactful ways, I feel and sense a loss. A loss of time, of random thought and imagination, of simply being.


Over the last few days, I’ve made an effort to take that songwriter’s words to heart. I’ve made an effort to engage and exist in a moment without the aid of technology or a device. I’ve remembered what so many of us seem to have forgotten, that living doesn’t require a plug or charger or a wifi signal; it only requires us, our hearts and minds connected, engaged, and present. 


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Mirror, Mirror

Perception. Such a tricky thing. There’s how others perceive me:

Shy.

Nervous.

Malleable.

Weak.

Since I was a child, people have made similar snap judgments about me, as people are wont to do.

Oh, she’s quiet? She must be shy.

Oh, she’s blushing? She must be nervous.

Oh, she wants to please people? She must be malleable.

Oh, she avoids confrontation? She must be weak.

And maybe I am all of those things. But I’m not just those things. I’m not just a neurotic introvert with tendencies of being a pushover. And I’d prefer if people didn’t boil me down to that. Because I am so much more.

Would you ever guess that this shy girl loves to argue? Would you ever guess that when she’s driving she cusses like a sailor? In your skewed and narrow-minded view of me, would you imagine that I’m crazy competitive? Did you know that I have a quick Irish temper? The soul of a poet? The heart of a fighter?

Funny, while in high school, everyone said I was shy. They would say it with a twinge of sympathy coloring their voices: “Oh, Katie? Well, she’s shy.” In the South, we add “bless her heart” to the end of things like that, and all the sudden, insulting someone or talking about them behind their back suddenly becomes okay. At least that’s what we tell ourselves.

To be fair, being called shy wasn’t particularly insulting. I’ve been called much worse. But as a child, I remember perceiving that three-letter-word as the nastiest of insults. Hearing it would make me cringe, because I knew it minimalized me and my abilities; I knew that as long as that word hovered over my head, I would be held back by it.

In middle school and high school, I was help back by it. I was held back by it, because I started believing it. It was the word used most often to describe Katie, the word that popped out of nearly anyone’s mouth when asked about me.

I was Katie. I was the shy girl. I was boiled down to nothing more than a label.

I think that’s what happens to many of us in high school. We get labeled. We’re jocks. Or nerds. Or outsiders. Or shy girls. We’re square pegs forced into round holes. Never mind about how we perceive ourselves. In high school, it’s all about how others perceive us.

I realized today that life hasn’t changed much from high school.

Even though I turn twenty-nine in two days, I’m still allowing myself to be defined by others. I’m still letting someone else tell me that I’m shy or a pushover or not true to myself. I’m still letting someone else tell me what’s wrong with me, why I don’t quite fit.



Today, something broke inside me. A flood of feelings, a barrage of pent-up frustrations, each one assaulting both heart and head and leaving me exposed and sure of nothing. Afterward the dam broke, I sat in front of my computer for nearly two hours, the day’s events replaying shot-by-shot in my head, regrets and confusion bubbling to the surface.

And I wrote this post, then made this vow:

My last year of my twenties will not be defined by friends or enemies. My last year of my twenties will be about me: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will be myself. I will be kind, caring, goofy, and strange. I will worry about everything. I will laugh about nothing.  I won’t let the negativity of others drag me down. I won’t let the opinions others have of me define me. I won’t let their misconceptions rule the day. I will be me, and I will love that person, flaws and all.

Have you ever been defined by a label? Do certain people in your life have misconceptions about who you are?


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