Cats Don't Understand Sarcasm

The holidays are once again upon us, and for my family, the holidays mean food, fellowship, and fights over putting up the Christmas tree.

It's a tradition that stretches across three generations, beginning (we think, at least) with my Mawmaw and Pawpaw. Last weekend, my Mom and I witnessed just what my Pawpaw had to go through every year when putting up the Christmas tree. As Mawmaw sat perched (dare I say judgmentally?) in her recliner, Mama and I slaved over the decorating of the tree; however, Mawmaw was not totally uninvolved in this process. She gave us very explicit orders as we went. Her favorite criticism? "You need more ornaments along the bottom!" By the time we finished our task, Mama's tree was more-than-a-little bottom-heavy.

Mama and Daddy typically get along regarding the placement of ornaments. It's the getting the tree in the stand that's the kicker for them. One year, I fully believed my parents might divorce over that dang Christmas tree. The holiday spirit was alive and well that Christmas.

Jeremy and I continued the Christmas tree fighting family tradition this weekend in our own unique way as we "fluffed" our pre-lit artificial tree (something I never thought I'd have but that's another blog post for another day). I had been fussing at our cat Sushi, who was attempting to "help" with the fluffing by chewing on the tree limbs. As Jeremy joined me to help with the tree, he said to the cat: "Sushi, you're so helpful."

Annoyed, I glared up at him. "I've just been scolding her for being under there, and you come in and try to undermine me. We need to show a unified front to her."

He laughed, Christmas tree lights twinkling in his unreasonably merry eyes. "I was being sarcastic, Katie."

"Jeremy." Followed by a sigh. "Cats don't understand sarcasm."

The Y'all Debate

We talk in a series of winding debates. We probably should've realized that we both had to be right about everything before we got married, but here we are anyway. And look at the bright side, neither of us can ever say our conversations are boring. Like the time we argued over the word "y'all." 

We were driving over to visit my parents; the car is a common breeding ground for our battles. I guess you just can't confine that much passion in that small of a space. You were behind the wheel. In that infuriating way of yours, you kept your eyes on the road, all while not-so-delicately navigating the waters of your wife's ire. 

How dare you watch the road while driving!

"I'm telling you the proper contraction is y-a-apostrophe-l-l. Anything else would be ridiculous."

Counting to ten stopped helping years ago. My hackles raised, and I snarled my response. "How in the hell do you figure that?"

"Because the contraction originates from the words ‘ya’ and ‘all.’ Obviously.”  The car remained steadfastly on the road. All I wanted to do was jerk the wheel over so that some of your composure was lost. Oh, well, if we wrecked.

“How is that obvious?! And don’t you think a Southerner would know the proper contraction of y’all better than some Northern California geek lord?”

You didn’t even hesitate. You jerk.  “Well, yeah, I would’ve thought so.”

The heat from my reddening skin burned. My palms itched with the desire to strangle you. My retort died suddenly in the flash fire of my passion. Given the time, I’m sure I could have thought of something brilliant, but as it was, I could only sputter and growl a response, toss my hair dramatically, and turn my attention out the passenger window. Irish temper 0, Jeremy 476.

Author's Note: Written for the Write on Edge Red Writing Hood prompt "Pivotal Conversations." We were assigned to write about a pivotal conversation from our memory. I'm not sure how "pivotal" this debate with Jeremy was, but it still lives on within the annals of our more memorable debates. I still bring it up from time to time, and he still argues that y'all is spelled ya'll. He's wrong. Now if I could only calm down enough to tell him why. Click the link below to read some great non-fiction:

What do y'all think? Is it you all = y'all or ya all = ya'll?